Why I Don’t Eat Edibles

weed brownies

WARNING: If you do eat edibles and seriously love them, then that is cool and I am supportive of your well being. If you are a cop, please don’t judge me… or arrest me.

Okay, so my dingus best friend told me that her boyfriend at the time was really good at making fun brownies (yes, this is what we call them). I don’t mind other forms of fun brownies, but the thought of eating them scares me. Naturally, I ignored my gut feeling and I ate one anyway. What happened next was beyond my expectations.

What I thought: I would have some fun, but not too much fun to the point that I would never want to do it again.

What I got: LOL BITCH YOU THOUGHT. I ate half of A CORNER PIECE of this brownie and didn’t feel much after 45 minutes so I then popped the other half into my mouth and went to eat at O’Charley’s with said dingus best friend. Right as I was deciding between a steak and some chicken tenders, I started thinking in slow motion. Thinking. In. Slow. Motion. There were pauses between each word when I thought them. I somehow managed to tell the waiter I wanted chicken tenders and then started to panic.

How was I getting home? I was the one who drove here.

How was I going to chew the food? I couldn’t feel my tongue.

How do I breathe again? Seriously, how?

It was a mistake, it was a mistake, it was a mistake I kept repeating in my head until I forgot what I was even panicking about.

Dingus was laughing at me and kept trying to convince me that the brownies weren’t effecting her.. Okay, nice try. Surprisingly, the only body parts I could feel were my legs so I walked my (not so) happy ass out of there and got in my car with a determined attitude. I was on a mission. I was going to get me and Dingus home and we were going to sober up. Once again, I was wrong. I managed to turn the car on and was panicking so bad that I couldn’t reverse the car.

I had to call my dear friend Marina to come pick me up because I was afraid for my life. I was ashamed as she got into my car to drive us home and Dingus just kept laughing. I felt this burning feeling in my throat and thought maybe it was imaginary but maybe it was barf. I mean like who doesn’t want some mystery in their life? Yeah, it was barf. I opened the car door on a busy street and just started going at it.

Made it home and slept for so long before I had to work the next evening. I kid you not, I still felt kinda high walking into work and I didn’t know what to do with myself. It was a Wednesday night and I just kept running around the restaurant avoiding my coworkers because I didn’t want them to suspect something was wrong with me.

All in all, don’t ever eat a fun brownie if you are a paranoid freak or if you are sitting in the parking lot of an O’Charley’s. Don’t be like me.

Funny Personal


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